I'm sitting in a quaint cafe on the outskirts of the city of Miami-- strangers pass me left and right, and I smile.
I've recently moved out of the town where I've spent a decade of my life at. I've never lived anywhere else longer; not even my birthland. I don't remember the good-byes, and I remember few words that were said to me. However, I do remember the good-byes that I never said.
Would it be wrong to forget the good things? Would it be correct to forget the bad?
I think it would be easier to… Leave without a thought. I've tried not to think; And its one of the hardest things for me to do—I'd much quicker climb a mountain alone then to empty my ears of musings. I've only felt it once.
I passed the towns, passed the signs as the car continued on. There were stops with kindly townspeople willing to help you with a flat tire. There were times where you couldn't see what was in front of you because of fog and stormrain. There were slow places, high places, beautiful country sides. There were pine trees and bridges-- and the songs that came to my ears seemed to be speaking to me. A new location brings an adventurous fear. But in the night, its sometimes more fear than adventure.
I've recently learned how it is to feel helpless. To only be able to stand back and ask time, fate, or else, the hand of God to run their fingers through my life.
I've lived my 18 years thus far in a way that has made me confident in my own strengths. Perhaps more confident then should be allotted. I'm convinced that I was born with more physical strength then an average kid my age. I'm very strong, I'm smart for the most part, and I'm skillful in some areas; in intellectual thought, in physical capacity, in earthly knowledge about the things around me, and perhaps in putting thought to word. But I've always dreamed about knowing about the Heavenly.
I've arrived at a place in my life where these things have reached their limit. My strength cannot get me my purpose, my thoughts cannot fathom where my feet should take me, and my mind is full of invitations to be afraid of what I don't know.
A few days ago, my rabbit broke her leg. I was calm and collected, ready to get some bandages and head to the vet to get her foot in place to heal, ready to bring blankets, stay with her, give her medication and feed her by hand—but I had no idea of how bad this really was. It wasn't until me and my Dad got her looked over that despite her cheerful and fine appearance, she had a severe, severe fracture—and while I wrapped her up and sang her to sleep; I knew the truth that she lay in. We didn't know any vets in the area, and my Dad did what he could—But she needed a miracle, or she'll have to be put down. My head wrapped around that truth—and in that bitter taste of helplessness, I then realized that I am in a similar area in my own life. I am helpless.
To pull from previous entries—I've rebirthed.
I'm in a strange land with strange folks and there is little I know of this place. I do know that there is something for me here; But sometimes, all you want is a hand next to yours- and it's been much too long since I've physically felt that.
I feel there is a time where you need to surrender. Let go of the things that we were never meant to shoulder. Let go of what we cannot hope to find ourselves, and ask the Higher Power to take our hand. Some might call it 'fate taking its place', and others deny the existence of such a thing as purpose or destiny. But I believe it is real; and it is so real inside of me, that my nightmares are days where I feel I've lost myself so deeply that I'll never find what I was made to do. For we were all made to do something. To be someone that only we can be.
For what is the point of all this longing and all this dreaming if not because of the fact that we were made to do that which we dream of?
I believe we are meant to righteously fix the wrongs that anger us most. I believe that the concepts you consistently love are a hint to what you were created to do. I believe that the people you feel compassion for, are the people you will help in large numbers.
I know, that in this place—it's going to be do or die for me. As my rabbit needs a miracle; I need a miracle. I need to either surrender my fears, or live life without knowing what I was put here to do. I need to let go of the thoughts in my ears, the people that tell me to worry, the fears of being alone too long, and I need to put the right things in the center of my life. There is nothing I can physically do, no positive thought I can grasp hold of, no sweet song that can keep me alive and take me to my purpose. There are things that I need to learn while I'm here.
There are choices we must make every day, things we must ask ourselves. We must never be afraid to and ask ourselves the hard questions or deny our longing for something greater, because those questions are our hints to the fact that there is, indeed—More.
(To Be continued in one year)