On April 9th, at 10:00 pm-- I went through one of the hardest nights of my life.
I had a friend. Her name was Elizabeth. Of course, we haven't known each other for very long-- so I don't know if I was, in fact- a friend to her. But she certainly was to me.
She had a difficult life, and despite the love I had for her- she was taken away from me; piece by painful piece. She had much pain in her life, and I only pray that I was able to ease a bit of it off when I would message her. Day by day, we spoke-- we encouraged and told each other about the things we overcame. She was getting better. She got a job, she was able to move out of her home-- things were looking up for her, and that also meant it was looking up for me. It was a love that came from Hard times.
On April 9th, as I got home from the airport, I checked her blog to see how she was doing.
I found a queued message stating that if I was to find that message, it would mean that she was successful in her attempt to take her life. Otherwise, she would have stopped the message from posting itself. She wrote it days before her unknown attempt. I read it, again and again-- over and over until my eyes glazed beyond the screen and stared off into the nothing. My recently healed heart broke again.. so very quietly. Voices filled my head. Guilt and drenching failure soaked my eyes. I stepped into my bathroom, let the water run.
And you would have seen the most pitiful sight.
Disheveled, shaggy hair; the most brilliant and irritated green eyes you've ever seen. You would have seen me at my absolute lowest, had you been there. I was bleeding in my soul.
I wouldn't scream, I wouldn't yell as much as I wished to-- the house was full, my siblings would hear. I yelled silently-- I opened my mouth and yelled without sound. I had no words. I slammed the ground; She was gone, and I had failed to save her, to truly help her. I tugged at my clothes and I wept in the most bitter way. A thousand scoldings came into my heart-- She never had the chance to fall in true love and get married as she dreamed to, she never fulfilled her wishes of traveling and helping other people with her story and journey; she had so much love to give-- and so much room to receive still. My mind screamed "Failure" in my face and I believed it. Oh, yes I did. On my knees, curled like a child.
My heartbreak is strong. My sorrow runs deep. I still question the possible good that could come out of this.
Angels must know great sadness if they see everything from above. Despite the claims for my talent with words-- I have no words for this. I don't know why I should have to feel this. The ones I could touch were taken from me. The ones who still care, I cannot gain warmth from. The one who I could never embrace, has died.
You forget certain truths when you're found in a storm-- the things that aren't entirely true about a person start to feel true. You call yourself every disgusting name and you hang your head in the deepest shame. I say, because I failed to project His Love to her. How I missed the mark, my shortcomings came at the cost of a life. So I felt.
Isn't it something to know you've lost? Isn't it something to know you're lost?
We ask God "Where were you" in the night as we turn and turn like carousels in an abandoned parkway-- we are too young to be this sad; aren't we unbearably sad? Remembering the kind words, remembering the curses. We curse and affirm, we hate and we love. Why, if you weren't my God-- I'd watch a train go by as my legs would go off with it.
Alone with the accomplishments and discouragements, the vines and the weeds, the nights and the high noons. We've been alone for a very long time. I ask for a hand to wash me clean of my secrets and my shortcomings. I grasp the missing rungs when I'm afraid. And I'm afraid and everyone's afraid and everyone knows it,
But we don't have to be afraid
There has to be a light. There's always a Story.
Because the God of Creation is real.