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About Varied / Professional Premium Member Marianna MosqueraFemale/United States Groups :iconbelieveindw-sh-bbc: BelieveinDW-SH-BBC
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As Bontenmaru [your daughter whom seeks her wings]

Journal Entry: Mon Oct 27, 2014, 11:21 AM


"You are strong, but you seem dissatisfied."


      On some days I feel like the small and frail Bontenmaru, but I know that I'll take my place as The Captain when the time is right.


For as long as I can remember, I've had to fight. This is not a unique condition for a life, as life itself is a great, great walk, but also a great great battle. But I cannot help but think that it's only the grace [upon grace upon grace] that has kept me alive.

Last week, someone I love lost a friend of theirs. They took their own life. Life was too much. I always wonder what it took for these people to break so deeply that death would be solace to them. Our first thought is always 'how could this be?'. Then I realize that I already know the answer. I've felt the answer in the past. It saddens me how we go from drawing caterpillars and reading picture books to putting our hands over our eyes and having our hearts physically shake from the fear, the pain, the anxiety. 

 I wish I could go to my 10 year old self and tell her, "Get ready, 'cause you're going to have one hell of a story to tell." And these words ring true. However my nights are filled with the question of 'Why?' and a deep, deep hunger for mystery. 


     You cannot just ignore the rage that builds in your chest. And your calls full of saying "If there is nothing of purpose on this earth for me to do, then relieve me." don't seem to contain the response you wished. And the word that is "Father" contains mixed emotions and mixed definitions both of lies, instability, and honor. I do not give in to disease, I do not break my bones easily. But my mind, my emotions-- [often scarred to ribbons], love to bleed. Anger seems to be the emotion of this season. And defense the task. Restlessness too. I hate it and I love it, and I despise that I embrace it. [Remember- I was an emotional alcoholic, and sadness was my wine of choice.]

I am being redeemed. No longer "Little and Bitter" but "Prophet, Defender, Servant and friend".

 

 I was born as Bontenmaru was. I was born from distress, I was born 'little and bitter' [though that was the old me]. I've been fought for and summoned by both darkness and light, and their servants want me to join their cause. I feel their pulls--


but I know better.

I know that despite the constant courting that the darkness sends me; I was born to be a captain, I was born to etch a verse inside this mysterious body that is 'O life'.


I know I was born to serve. And I have tried to become on my own strength. I have tried. I have failed. 

Why is it every lovely thing that feels less than whole? What is it about "Hurt" and its spiky filth that we love to crawl in? These months I have cried like a child [which are not fitting words, for I still am a child] but I lack the ability to be content with where I am. I lack the ability to ride through life without a fight to know

To know.


No, I crave "The More". I crave to know why I am, who I am, and where "I am" lies. I crave the vulnerable embraces, a whisper in my ear, the fields, clangs of sword and shield, and to partake in the lifestyle of pursuing justice and defending those who cannot yet defend themselves. So many times I've been beaten down by giants and agents of darkness. So many times my face bled as they held my head in between their palms. So many times did I return to my pillow only to find it still damp from the tears of days and nights before. I've lost limbs and bones and eyes in the anxious nights, and I wake up to find they've returned. 


Sometimes I think about heroes. The heroes that never believed that they were heroes. What is it about them? How can I do what's right too?


Am I older? I feel 20 years older. Not in weariness, but in the number of battles won, fought, lost. I moved from the town of my childhood a little over a year ago, and yet I see those faces and places as if they were of 20 years ago. 

If you ever see me on the cool streets during the fall, and I give you a smirk and a nod-- do not let the
bright eyes fool you. There's a seasoned soul behind them. 


And yet, I am young. I have not reached two decades of life yet, and sometimes that
astounds me. For I do not believe it is good for such a young person to feel hopelessness and intensity at such a young age. I don't believe it is for everyone to battle the invisible and internal battles at so young. The soldiers are getting younger and younger. And the battles grow relentless. There is so much that should not be.

I serve and I fight, for my life on some nights, for the lives of others on most. And I could do this all day. God would come sooner than I would willingly give up. I might stay a day, maybe two on the ground. But I promise you.

I Promise you.

I'll get up.  


It's 2003. My younger self is 8 years old. She's probably drawing, watching The Muppets, reading picture books and trying to draw a "kader-piller" the way she likes it. Simple life, but she doesn't know that in a few years-- she'll learn about what an emotion like anger can do to you. She doesn't know that she was marked for this time. She'll feel a lot of pain and will bleed for it. She'll be introduced to a home full of tension. She'll trade the multicolored Crayola crayons for the dark, relentless shade of a deeply rooted pencil. She'll learn a lot of things the hard way.


I'll see a way to find her, to talk to her. I'll retreat from the decay of present days, and find the key under the flower pot, where it always is. 

I'll start with a gentle "hey.." and she'll look up with those greenish-blueish eyes of hers. She won't look quite like me. She's blonder, lighter; and her hair is long. She won't have the tracks of all the tears that will etch her face. She'll probably be thrilled at seeing such a raggedy and muddy girl [as she is always thrilled by that sort of thing] and perhaps I'll not find the words to say right away.

I thought to kneel down, to meet her face-to-face-- and let her know of a few things. 

...And all I'm asking you to do is to remember. To hold on ever so tightly onto your optimism, your far-flung hopes and improbable dreams. Don't be afraid. And don't you hide. Grow close to your sister. Somedays, that will be all you have. 

 

 .. And all I'm asking is that you, pretend that you see who you were before all this earth eroded you. I'm asking that you pretend that you are that 5, 6, 7 year old girl or boy. And tell them what you would. Tell them your stories. Tell them that every time you've said 'I'm not going to make it', you were wrong.



  • Mood: Optimism
  • Listening to: There Must Be Something In The Wind - Blindside
  • Reading: Dead Poets Society [Novel Adaption]
  • Watching: Sengoku Basara: Judge End
  • Playing: Mario Kart 8!
  • Eating: Nothing at the moment
  • Drinking: Perrier

Commissions

Raggedy Art Scribble Commissions!
From Under the Shadow  - [A Scribble] by The-Longfall-of-1979
900 Years [A Scribble] by The-Longfall-of-1979
More information and conditions here: fav.me/d7ic8qe

You can pay with credit or paypal here. :)  - www.i-m.mx/TheLongfallof1979/T…

Slot 1: Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes: "With You To The end of the line" scribble for PondSongPond

Slot 2:

deviantID

The-Longfall-of-1979
Marianna Mosquera
Artist | Professional | Varied
United States
(I like to think I'm professional.)

-------

Current Residence: Every star that ever was.

deviantWEAR sizing preference: Anything medium or above. (But not too above)

Print preference: Idk man just print your own printery prints

Favorite genre of music: A lot of the Lots of things out there.

Favourite photographer: jaydoncabe, Matthew Odmark, Connie Imboden, PopeSaintVictor, Charlie Lowell, Jaime Ibarra.

Favourite style of art: Old Photography. Gritty conceptual art, Japanese art, children's illustrations, Comical and cartoonishy, Typography, lots of things from the emotional side of the artistic side of the moon------and just basically anything that catches my eye!

Operating System: Furfx

MP3 player of choice: Lappy 3000, youtube, iPod touch, and my whistler.

Shell of choice: one with a ghost in it.

Wallpaper of choice: Usually my own art, anything Sengoku Basara, Final Fantasy VII, Doctor who, instrument photography, some black and White Photography, and the like.

Skin of choice: mine's great, thanks.

Personal Quote: "I am, and always will be, the optimist; the hoper of far-flung hopes, and the dreamer of improbable dreams."— The 11th Doctor
Interests

September's Print Releases!

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NitroDragonTrigger:iconnitrodragontrigger:
CAKE!! O_O YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Mon May 19, 2014, 5:12 AM
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LET THEM EAT CAKE!
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Whew! 1,500 watchers? A big Hurrah, and TARDIS-cooked Turkey for everyone!
Thu Jan 2, 2014, 8:37 PM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Goodness! Very gracious complement. :) Thank you.
Sun Dec 8, 2013, 12:41 PM
TheZacAttack:iconthezacattack:
I hope bbc commissions you to do ad work for them x3 you're incredibly talented
Sat Dec 7, 2013, 11:52 AM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Thank you so much. :thanks:
Mon Jul 29, 2013, 9:50 PM
kittykittyhunter:iconkittykittyhunter:
Reminder that you are amazing and that I love you very much. :heart:
Mon Jul 29, 2013, 3:41 PM
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Welcome Back Samo!!
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Yaaaaayyyyy!!
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YAY FOR PM!!
Wed Jul 17, 2013, 8:09 PM
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Have you ever struggled with depression, or know someone who has battled with it? 

44%
41 deviants said Yes, I still wrestle with it today.
34%
32 deviants said No, I haven't. But I know someone who has.
22%
21 deviants said I did in the past, but I'm in recovery now.

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconx-jazzy-b-real-x:
Thank you so flipping much on the Hang the One You Love favorite! :iconanoplz: I was sitting here going through your gallery like: :iconamgplz: It's so beautiful and professional! :iconmiseryplz: If it were easier for me to do what you do, I would've colored that picture in an attempt to match that level of gorgeousness. :iconbrad-plz: Your artwork has the same vibe that this music by Ólafur Arnalds achieves: www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOyELw…
(I think you'll like it, honest! :nod: It always inspires me, but more importantly, it really reminds me of your pictures) My feels are going through the roof because your pictures are so intimate, so that fav was like a huge compliment. :iconawwwplz: I always really like your blog entry; that's probably something I need to look into more seriously. 
Reply
:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Professional General Artist
Thank you so much. :nod: I really appreciate your saying that; the piece you made was beautiful, by the way! 

I really enjoyed the song, very gracious of you to say it reminded you of my work; it's a really beautiful song. I'm honored. :) I hope you enjoy what's to come, and thanks again for your gracious comments.

All the best,
Marianne
Reply
:iconcovert15:
covert15 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thought you might think this was cool. ikwiz.com/list.asp?articleid=3…
Reply
:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2014  Professional General Artist
Thank you! :nod: Never seen this before, I appreciate it.
Reply
:iconcovert15:
covert15 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2014  Student Digital Artist
No prob! you have two pieces in there.
Reply
:iconscheinbar:
scheinbar Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks so much Thank You Fella (messages)
Reply
:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014  Professional General Artist
You're very welcome. :nod:
Reply
:iconrapsag:
Rapsag Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014
Thanks for the fave!
Reply
:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2014  Professional General Artist
You're very welcome! Great piece. :)
Reply
:iconmusicrocks14:
MusicRocks14 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for the favorite on my cosplay photo! I was just browsing through a few pieces of your artwork and I must say that you are an incredible artist! The Peggy and Steve one was absolutely beautiful; I love the feel of the piece, and the overall tone. Incredible. :heart:
Reply
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