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About Varied / Professional Premium Member Marianna MosqueraFemale/United States Groups :iconbelieveindw-sh-bbc: BelieveinDW-SH-BBC
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Sensho (In Our Winters)

Journal Entry: Mon Jan 19, 2015, 3:15 PM


"And I'm anxious to relieve my mind of desperate thoughts"


I didn't mean to write this. 


But I want to, [and feel I have to] honor you. Anyone who's taken the time to speak with me about things that matter, anyone who's written me a letter telling me how what I share and do makes them feel. Anyone who is not afraid to tell me. "This is what I see, this is what you stirred in me"

Because it will never stop surprising me. I will never stop getting that short butterfly-like feeling in my stomach when I see a note saying "Thank you".

It's not why I write these things. I lost the desire for fame very quickly.  I just... write these things, as a call. Not to anyone in particular, just to those who can relate-- or might understand. Call it whatever you see to fit it. It's a call. A question.

If you've been weathered, beaten, overwhelmed... if you wear scars on your legs and wrists, if you've been sexually abused, isolated, screaming inside, violated, void of identity, barely hanging on-- 

if you're bruised and a bit broken, nonetheless still standing, raise your hand.

You're in good company. A lot of us are the same.


It seems to be that we'll always understand in the future.
There's so much that I don't understand about my journey, and it weighs down on me somedays.
But courage is a burn I wear proudly on the side of my face, and "Blessed" is what I pray my friends to be; I reserve a secret tenderness the center of my palm [for them]. 

But when it comes to myself, I feel my sight is unfair.
I've been told I'm either too hard on myself, or I fear I'm not hard enough. But I know no other way. I know the improper reactions I exude, the hidden flesh and primal selfishness that leaks form inside, and of the many areas I need to work on; but I felt a little in the dark when it comes to a fair and honest picture of wholeness of who I am, and who I wish to become. 

But God had his hand on this, as well as
friends.

And they have told me what they've seen. The good and the bad, and the possible. [Thank you for that]

Because the harshness has made me who I am. Perhaps it is not correct [I was told I must love myself], and it is not for everyone. Some thrive with kindness or with art, or with romance and community, or in solitude, silence and hunger. This harshness towards myself is not a pursuit to appear 'wounded' or philosophical--- It's just an honest pursuit. It's a way for me. A way for me to get up and shake the dust. There was a long season where 'getting up' was a solo task.

And I am thankful for that time--- because I now practice the action that is "To Cherish".

 I know so many of us write "Who am I" in our most honest penmanship; and something in us makes us worthy of that question.


On the days we lash out and cry, curse our traits and bones, speak words of self-condemnation-- we are worthy. [And we must first realize it, and then claim it]

On the days we get up from our beds, [repenting to our spirit for words earlier said], honor our struggles, and walk onwards-- we are worthy. [And we must continue to believe it]

But it's hard. We've confused humility with self-depreciation, and it still has a root in the back of our minds. 

God, sometimes you even forget how to be happy. 

It's like you have to learn how to gain strength in a limb that was once broken or lost. You have to just move it and work with it and silence judgment for a season. 

But I think I can do it, I think I can run on these legs again.

It's been laughably hard sometimes.. for me to believe the voice that comes out of the clearer-- whispering 'yours.. a gift'. Saying that this flame that was placed [in your center] belongs to you, that this verse is yours. That the right to re-take, re-write, reclaim a history and courage skipped and stolen, is etched in blood; as is my salvation.


When so many times, 

I've lashed out and ran, cursed behind my teeth.. stayed in bed because I could not take it. Loathed myself. When we run like that... sink like that, you lose pieces of yourself in the flood.

But that's why the word 'Restoration' exists. 

Maybe I am half-fledged. But my eyes are sharper, my senses deeper, and my ears now hear the sounds and tones that are not of the surface. You now sense the emotions in another, you now feel compelled to do things you would not have thought of before.

You know, some people have everything happen to them. Every event and loss and failure told them "no", but when I see them alive today, or read about them in history-- it makes me smile through my eyes. Because they did it, they retook the story. They rewrote the curse into a purpose. I think there are a few of us who might do that too, if we keep going.


We may fall astray, and on that strayed path
comes a defeat,
but with that defeat comes
a new declaration. A testament of growth.

Take inventory of the things inside you, the relationships, your standards and scars, the progress, your passions; Then think of someone who means the world to you. They are one witness [and one is enough] that says you've not been ruined by the fire.


Honor them by believing you are worthy. Then take that honor further by walking in that worthiness. And then by helping others feel the same.

It is not what we do that makes us become. Not [just] that. 

It might be something we rather choose, vow inside ourselves--- and then something inside us, helps us fulfill it.

Destiny?
Dreams?
Wanderlust?
Purpose?
Talent?
Power?
Calling?
Reasoning?
Passion?
Ambition?
Chance?

Take your pick of a few. I've chosen mine.

The Lord promises that those who shed tears in the name of sowing, in the name of sacrifice--- will reap every drop in joy. I hope you stay, continue the journey far enough to see that happen. There's no progress without struggle. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it has meaning.

These nights
I've been gathering and storing words. In boxes, notebooks, under pillows and my heart. I print them out and cut them out and fold them in special ways. It is somewhat meager, and paper is so fragile to some-- but I realize that I have to find a way to touch the things that have touched me. I know my hands well, I've used them a lot, I've blessed with them and sinned with them. They've brought me friends, they've brought me provision and they've turned my ideas into being--- and so that may be why I make it so I can hold words in my hands. Forget garments and gold. Give me a large, old, wooden box full of words from people
who mean the world to me.

People who I think of daily, and with those thoughts-- comes the cheer:

senshō.

I wish you victory. 



  • Listening to: There Must Be Something In The Wind - Blindside
  • Reading: Dead Poets Society [Novel Adaption]
  • Watching: Sengoku Basara: Judge End
  • Playing: Mario Kart 8!
  • Eating: Nothing at the moment
  • Drinking: Perrier

Activity


Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes... I am astounded. You made me feel so honored and respected today. I'm still sifting through all the messages, cards, poems, notes... and I wish I could thank you all individually. All of this gave me a fresh strength to walk onwards. You've deeply warmed my heart, and I can't thank you enough. Here's to 20. :)

deviantID

The-Longfall-of-1979
Marianna Mosquera
Artist | Professional | Varied
United States
(I like to think I'm professional.)

-------

Current Residence: Every star that ever was.

deviantWEAR sizing preference: Anything medium or above. (But not too above)

Print preference: Idk man just print your own printery prints

Favorite genre of music: A lot of the Lots of things out there.

Favourite photographer: jaydoncabe, Matthew Odmark, Connie Imboden, PopeSaintVictor, Charlie Lowell, Jaime Ibarra.

Favourite style of art: Old Photography. Gritty conceptual art, Japanese art, children's illustrations, Comical and cartoonishy, Typography, lots of things from the emotional side of the artistic side of the moon------and just basically anything that catches my eye!

Operating System: Furfx

MP3 player of choice: Lappy 3000, youtube, iPod touch, and my whistler.

Shell of choice: one with a ghost in it.

Wallpaper of choice: Scenery stuff, pictures of cool panes, anything Sengoku Basara, Marvel, Doctor who, instrument photography, some black and White Photography, and the like.

Skin of choice: mine's great, thanks.

Personal Quote: "I am, and always will be, the optimist; the hoper of far-flung hopes, and the dreamer of improbable dreams."— The 11th Doctor
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kittykittyhunter:iconkittykittyhunter:
Happy birthday Marianne! :heart:
Sun Jan 11, 2015, 7:32 AM
NitroDragonTrigger:iconnitrodragontrigger:
CAKE!! O_O YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Mon May 19, 2014, 5:12 AM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
LET THEM EAT CAKE!
Sun Jan 12, 2014, 12:34 PM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Whew! 1,500 watchers? A big Hurrah, and TARDIS-cooked Turkey for everyone!
Thu Jan 2, 2014, 8:37 PM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Goodness! Very gracious complement. :) Thank you.
Sun Dec 8, 2013, 12:41 PM
TheZacAttack:iconthezacattack:
I hope bbc commissions you to do ad work for them x3 you're incredibly talented
Sat Dec 7, 2013, 11:52 AM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Thank you so much. :thanks:
Mon Jul 29, 2013, 9:50 PM
kittykittyhunter:iconkittykittyhunter:
Reminder that you are amazing and that I love you very much. :heart:
Mon Jul 29, 2013, 3:41 PM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Welcome Back Samo!!
Sat Jul 27, 2013, 10:57 AM
The-Longfall-of-1979:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
Yaaaaayyyyy!!
Tue Jul 23, 2013, 4:40 PM
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What are some of your favorite poems? 

73%
24 deviants said Share below!
27%
9 deviants said Er, nah. I don't care for poetry.

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Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconanastasiyakosenko:
AnastasiyaKosenko Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
YOU'VE BEEN HUGGED!! Hug Huggle! 
Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)

RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You -MUST- hug 10 other people, at least!
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their page!
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!
Send this to all your friends!
Reply
:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Professional General Artist
Thank you! Also...

*Hugs Back* :hug:2 rvmp 
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:iconanastasiyakosenko:
AnastasiyaKosenko Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! :hug:
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:iconfallingdark:
FallingDark Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional Traditional Artist
Hi, thanks so much for adding my drawing of Joel to your favorites! Your gallery is great, you've got a +1 watch from me. :)
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:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional General Artist
I appreciate it, Many thanks. :nod: You have some very beautiful work yourself.
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:iconrosmare:
Rosmare Featured By Owner 6 days ago
I love your artwork!!
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:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional General Artist
Thanks! It's appreciated. :)
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:iconanastasiyakosenko:
AnastasiyaKosenko Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Tag a quality deviant, You’re it! Quality doesn’t mean that you have a lot of followers, or a lot of messages. It means that you’re nice to other people, and you deserve to be happy. If you get this message, someone is telling you that they love you as you are, and they don’t care how much followers you have. Send this to 10 deviants who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. But it’s just good to let someone know that you love them! Tight Hug

You're wonderful!
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:iconthe-longfall-of-1979:
The-Longfall-of-1979 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thank you! :nod:
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:iconglitchedw0lf:
GlitchedW0lf Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2015  Hobbyist
Happeh Birthday Bam F2U Derpy Bleh  
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