"There are places in this world that aren't made out of stone.
There's something inside...that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours."
Last week, a young girl asked me me why I believe in what I believe in. She asked me what makes me tick, what makes me seek such things.
My chest kind of tightened [and I hope my face didn't show it] because my way of answering such things isn't yet in form with words. When it comes to such weighted things, my answer lays with what I do. With what I am, what I choose to be. I'm still finding the words, but I hope my actions will do for now.
In a [poor] attempt to show her just how much this subject meant to me, I showed her a conversation I had with a friend, explaining that in order to respect my hardships... everything I've gone through, everyone who doubted me and everyone who believes in me-- I have to continue the journey. I have to find out why I'm here and I seek to work in the things I feel connected to. If I was made for something, I'm going to do everything I can to find out what that is; even if I pay my way in tears.
In this promise, I have found something worth pursuing.
My life right now revolves around the action that is 'To Seek'.
To want. To ask. To wonder. To feel and ask questions. To have hope coursing through my veins.
Such a thing as Hope.
I don't hear God in my ears as often as I should [for one who claims to believe]; It's not that he doesn't speak, It's just that I don't always properly listen. However if there is one way, one powerful and undeniable way that I see his hand and his sense of authorship-- it is in the way my life has played out. Maybe I don't get on my knees as often as I should-- but I think he knew that I would be a lover of storyship. If there is one way I listen and see that my walk and life is stitched in a unique way [alongside the lives of others], one way I see that most everything has a purpose behind it-- it is through my life. What I love. What I'm connected to and what I've lost and learned. Though my vibrant and strong friends. Through tragedy.
In addition to seeing this truth through my life,
I find I listen best when I write.. because I flow in the most curious way. I discover things about myself when I write, it's like a better version of me talking, and I listen to her by writing it down. I'd dare even say that almost all writers have got something like an inner prophet inside of them. My written words are not often words previously thought out but rather of a voice inside me.
Maybe the me of the future,
maybe of God
or the voice of a friend.
Between here, and where I rest my head it is woven into everything I do. [But my sister tells me I mumble in my sleep. And I wonder what about.]
You know, I don't often remember my dreams. ... but I just want my life to be worth it all.
My endgame is the promise I was given; the day I was told that it will be worth it all. That what I have inside me will be worth it all.
So I've been preparing my bones; braced for the backlash, because commitment comes with suffering--- and that suffering.. results in perseverance, and perseverance results in character. [but sometimes the blows are harsh and my knees buckle]
Have you ever reached a point where you willing to risk your life because you were promised something?
If my body is stitched together in such a way, then there has to be a reason why my bones take so much to break, why my hands and feet are crafted in such a way.
Why my heart aches
because it always falls for people who are so
far away. [So hurt]
There has to be a reason why my eyes speak for me, as my mother says.
My friends know of how somedays I have to simply lay on the ground. There's times where the very task of breathing, being alive, shakes my bones. There are times where you and I have to sift out the truth, about ourselves. About what we want, what we are. What convicts us. The truest truth because nothing else will do. My mistakes, my words, my evil desires, my selfishness. All my good and bad.
But despite this, [despite me] came the reminder that... we are worthy of seeking out the truth. That we were made for a more purposeful life---
--And in that pursuit; there is a promised victory.
The bones in my forearms have hardened, likened to armor. Ready for the backlash, [though sometimes the blows are more than I can stand].
But we get back up.
Again, and again, and
Faithfully, sometimes quietly.
Because a friend told me that I was pure victory.
...And I believe her, so I want to chase that, aspire to that.
By getting back up
again and again, and
We'll chase it. And follow it.
And I'll never let you forget that:
We'll be alright in the end.
I'll be that silhouette that comes at such moments;
When you say "I can't"
I'll tell you "You sure damn can".
And when you think "I'm done"
I'll whisper "not yet"
And you'll do the same for me.
It's not that I never feel fear, or that I never feel stuck, it's simply that
I am built in such a way that one of my greatest desires is to have the people I love, live lives that they love.
So as hard as I fight for myself to seek out who I am, I'll fight even harder for those who have my friendship
as well as my love.
I might carry a fair-skinned face
and fingernails caked with black dirt and earth; but such residue and impartation cannot help but stick to my bones. It all sticks to my bones. Conversations, characters, wisdom, words, colors, the elements, old warriors, ancient sounds.
So I can be satisfied with you in my saddest times.
Nowadays, contentment has taken the strange form of gardening; gardening-- of all things! I'm horrid at it, I feel. But someone I loved was very fond of gardening. It reminds me of them, and of that promise that they are near in entering my life.
And though it may just be a shadow,
I am what I stand for.
And if that is true, then I am many things.
As well as hope.
And if I am what my friends say I am,
than I am a girl brushed Azure.
A victor. A picture that speaks of redemption.
A weighted soul.
[things I feel are too good to be in me.]
But if I claim to love my friends and family, I must believe their words
If I am what my friends say I am,
then I am much more than I realize.
And I want to do something with that.